How often do you feel the weight of needing to be everything for everyone? Or have the impulse to prioritize someone else’s comfort above your own, even if it means hiding parts of who you are? For BIPOC neurodivergent folks, these struggles are more than fleeting feelings- they are daily realties, shaped, in part, by the intersecting systems of ablism, racism, cultural expectations, and other societal systems of oppression. From an early age, many of us begin to believe that safety is created when we learn to fit in, endure, and adapt, even if the tradeoff means we must erase ourselves.
But, what if instead of striving for perfection, or pushing ourselves to meet impossible standards, we opted to be gentle with ourselves? What if we gave ourselves permission to be flawed, to be complex, and to be worthy just as we are?
Self-Compassion sounds so simple, and yet for BIPOC neurodivergent folks, it’s a radical, even revolutionary act. Self-compassion challenges the pervasive narratives that we are not enough, that different is bad, and that happiness comes from fitting into societal norms. Choosing to embrace our whole selves with love and understanding — and meeting ourselves where we are, free from judgment — are powerful catalysts for sparking change in our own lives and the lives of those around us. In this post, we’ll explore how to practice self-compassion and why it’s far more than just self-care — it’s a powerful way to reclaim our worth and live more authentically.
I grew up hating my name. Having been born in the melanin deficient suburbs of Vancouver, Washington no one outside of my family could ever pronounce my name correctly. Many people opted to not even try. I adopted my nickname, Didi, as quickly as I could, eager to hide my full name from the world. By kindergarten, I already understood that sticking out from the “norm” would only cause unwanted attention. I felt like an outsider because of my curly hair and the weird looks I would receive If I got “too” excited talking about cryptids or rocks. I learned to tone down my interests to prevent those weird looks. I pushed myself to like what trending and tried my best to be above reproach in everything I did academically and otherwise. Eventually, I learned to be my harshest critic. If I could judge myself and fix the perceived issues before someone else could notice my “flaws,” I could fit into the box everyone expected me to fit into. I thought the box would grant me safety and happiness. Judgment and fear of being discovered as “too” different became my motivators for just about everything I did in life. Eventually, the rift between my true-self and the unrealistic expectations I put on myself became too crushing. I had to change if I wanted to find any measure of true joy.
What Self-Compassion Looks Like:
Self-Compassion is the intentional practice of treating yourself with the same kindness and understand that you would offer a friend. It asks that you acknowledge your struggles, lean into curiosity instead of judgement, and respond with care rather than criticism. It’s a form of self-care that actively supports and nurtures your emotional well-being.
Imagine this: You’ve just had an exhausting day. Sensory overload, microaggressions at work, a project that isn’t moving forward how you’d hoped. There’s an underlying and constant feeling that you are not measuring up or hitting expectations. Instead of berating yourself thinking about all the ways you could be more productive tomorrow, self-compassion invites you to pause and ask; What do I need right now? What can I do to help myself in this moment?
At its core self-compassion is about speaking kindly to yourself, validating your experience, and treating yourself with care.
Speaking kindly to yourself: How often do you catch yourself talking to you differently than you would talk to a friend? Instead of harsh self-talk, practice words of understanding, like, “It’s okay to feel this way,” or, “You did your best with the information available at the time.” This can feel unfamiliar, especially if you’ve internalized messages that tell you to be tougher or to ignore your needs, but it’s a small, powerful step.
Validating your experience: The challenges you face are real and valid! Period. As BIPOC neurodivergent person, the world will rarely see or affirm our experiences. It’s essential that we do it for ourselves and within our community for each other. Acknowledging your struggles without judgment is a way of honoring your reality.
Treating yourself with care: How would you respond to a friend in your situation? Would you criticize them? Or would you encourage them to rest and offer them support? Self-compassion asks that you extend that same empathy to yourself. It can look a lot of different ways, like giving yourself permission to stay in, doing something that brings you joy, or setting boundaries to protect your energy.
Practicing self-compassion can feel wrong at first. We’ve been conditioned to push through, fueling our productivity with self-criticism. But choosing self-compassion isn’t about weakness or about victimizing yourself; it’s about growth and creating space for yourself to thrive instead of merely survive. Leaning into self-compassion isn’t a one-time decision but rather a continuous practice. There will be days when it feels almost impossible, and that’s okay. What matters is that you keep showing up for yourself, bit by bit, moment by moment, because every act of self-kindness is a step toward greater self-acceptance, healing, and authenticity.
Once I started practicing self-compassion in my life, I began to realize just how much energy was subtlety directed to upholding the systems that were designed to oppress me. Slowly, I became more resilient to the things outside of my control and opened the door toward embracing my full neurodivergent bi-racial self. Now I proudly go by my full name, Edidiong. And yes, if you have to say it five times over, I’ll wait. My name is worth it.
Choosing self-compassion as a BIPOC neurodivergent person is a way of saying, “I deserve to be cared for, even by myself.” And that is nothing short of revolutionary. Breaking a cycle of internalized oppression to reclaim the right to care for yourself within a world which often demands you be self-sacrificial is powerful. When you recognize that your worth isn’t tied to how much you achieve or how well you mask your struggles, you open the door to the undeniable truth that you are enough as you are right now.
So, I invite you to take up space, live unapologetically, and to be gentle with yourself. Your existence is valid, your experiences are real, and you deserve to embrace all parts of who you are — flaws, strengths, and everything in between. Remember, self-compassion is more than just self-care; it’s a revolutionary declaration of your right to be here as you are, fully and freely.
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